We Removed this Word from our Parenting Vocabulary

If there is one thing I’ve learned as a parent, it’s that children do things in their own time and own way. There’s no one size fits all for babies and kids, and having that type of mindset will surely lead to disappointment. There’s one word we decided to remove from our parenting vocabulary, and it has made a huge difference in our home! It may not change the situations we have faced, but it has changed our perception and alleviated stress for all of us. That word is should.

When my son Carson was a baby, times were pretty difficult for my husband and I as new parents. Our son struggled to self-soothe, and constantly needed to be held for reassurance. He woke up every few hours in the night needing closeness and connection-needing yet another bottle to fall asleep. He was easily agitated, and hard to please! It was exhausting and frustrating at times.

We had friends with babies around the same age who would say, “Oh, ______is an amazing sleeper! He/she sleeps all night!” We were asked constantly if our baby was sleeping through the night. As new parents, we were completely overwhelmed and felt so much guilt and shame over not being able to get our baby to do as he “should.”

I combed through every piece of research I could, and tried so many different things. I spent way too much money on sleep sacks and gadgets that claimed to help our baby sleep. Still, no change. We came to the realization that by putting this pressure on ourselves, we were anxious and overwhelmed all the time.

Then came the potty training years, and the sneaking into our bed in the middle of the night. Sometimes my husband would say, “He should be sleeping all night in his bed,” or “He should be potty trained by now.” One day I looked at him in desperation and said, “Maybe we should stop saying ‘should'”. Maybe our child needs a different way of doing things. From that point, we tried looking at situations realistically and tried to uncover what our child needed. It took a lot of practice and self-regulation skills on our part. We made mistakes-and felt frustrated often-but we kept working at it.

Our four year old son is his own unique individual. He is vibrant, silly, intelligent and so full of life. He needs a lot of connection, and he has to decide when it’s his time to do things. He struggles sometimes with change, or taking swim lessons because the water bothers his eyes and ears. He likes to be near us when he is sleeping. He struggles with separation anxiety at daycare or changing to a new class until he gets the hang of the routine. He also has a really great sense of humor. He is creative. He’s a great dancer! There are so many wonderful things about our son. How could he fit into a mold of other people’s expectations?

And by the way, on the day of his 3rd birthday, my son got the hang of potty training. It finally just “clicked.” All in his own time. As far as sleep goes, he still sneaks into our bedroom at night- and you know what? That’s okay. We will enjoy these snuggles for now.

We have to be willing, as parents, to see our children for the human beings they are. There is so much beauty and wonder in each child. When we constrict their worlds to how they “should” be, we lose touch with the opportunity to find out what our children need to feel safe, secure, and loved. When we see the reality of who our children are, and draw upon their strengths, our children begin to thrive. We have to let them be as they are.

My son is now in a place where he is thriving and happy. He still has his limits and we have found a way to respect his needs while guiding him to be brave and try new things. We talk through situations and he knows how to express his emotional needs. I’ve decided not to push him to do things, and instead, let him do things when he feels ready. We have given him the space to feel safe and secure.

Removing the word “should” from our parenting vocabulary has brought ease into our home by allowing us to embrace our child for who he is. It has allowed us to “let things be.”

What have you learned in your parenting journey that has helped you in your home? Please comment below! And thanks for reading.